Life needs change.

 

CONSPIRACY THEORY #20050119/20   

i just washed my freakin’ hair this morning and then it had to rain, someone had to cook with garlic and then later i went to visit someone else to give them a phonecard that i picked up and they were grilling meat. now i STINK!

 

arun arun arun. arun is coming in JUNE!!!!! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEE! eeheheheheheheheheheheeeeeee!!!!! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!! i’m so excited. see, there’s always a reason why one should love the summer. cuz good things happen in the summer.

 

i now know how to successfully KILL a discussion. heeheehee… oops. sorry, i don’t understand‘postcolonialism’ like most europeans do because i’m north freakin’ american!  no i did NOT see the sexual abuse of the girl as a metaphor for the ‘rape of the colonial lands.’ in fact, i saw it as a possibility to reinforce the westcentric notion of oppressive east and liberal west. my bad! holyfreakin’shit, me and iliana are in some BIG shit in that class. she’s from mexico, i’m from canada. we’re both from former colonies. i think i need to school these people in north american racial politics where ‘black’ does NOT include south asian people and that I EXIST IN RACIAL POLITICS AS MORE THAN AN ‘ASIAN OTHER’!!!!! that being said, i’m having LOTSA trouble getting through these DENSE readings by bhabha, kapur, mitter etc etc. i wonder if there’s a poco for dummies somewhere… how ironic that would be. i’m not an ‘american exceptionalist’ who thinks that history began in north american when the settlers took over the land and i don’t believe that the settlements created were egalitarian, inclusive, tolerant or diverse. i DO believe that the history of north america IS fundamentally different from europe though. some may argue that the power that the us has over the west is colonial, or what north americans are doing to native peoples is colonialism, but i’d like to think that academics can come up with a better word than colonialism because it’s different. so for me, anything is really poco in the strictly temporal sense that it was made/created after the european colonial period. immediately i think of someone like rudyard kipling when i think of colonialism. mayhaps north americans are ignorant of poco cuz there’s not enough known about the harlem renaissance which had many literary and visual links to colonialism. hrm… i tink i see a term paper coming on!!!!! get it done and over with i say!

 

my bank is only safer than my mattress. i can’t use my bank card anywhere else, but the uk even though there’s an hsbfreakin’c in canada. i can’t use it as a debit card. i accrue NO interest whatsoever in my account. i may as well just keep my money under my mattress. fuckers. so i’m switching to natwest because abbey, lloyds and halifax give me the SAME shitty service. hahahaha, and the people at abbey and lloyds were acting like i’d actually WANT to put my money in their hands. EEEEEEEEEEEJITS I SAY!!!!! at least i’d be able to use my natwest card as a DEBIT card and i get minimal interest, but some nonetheless. what fuckers. yessssss, i am laundering money. this is why i want to open a foreign bank account. i’m not really a stoodent, it’s all a ruse. i’m leally illiterate and stoopid and i not getting’ my ejumacation. if ya don’t know my credit history why can’tcha ask visa? it’s not like i’m not giving out other personal info, jeezy peezy you have to see my freakin’ passport. loooooooooooosers!

 

my mailbox is empty save for those stupid letters telling me that someone is watching tv without a license. well it ain’t ME! i want some mail with substance. most of you have my addy… write me something pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?!?!?!?!?! only stephie and arun lurve me cuz i’ve gotten stuff from them, but that’s it…

 

agent orange

posted by: conspiracytheorist at 05:03 | link | comments (1) |

 

CONSPIRACY THEORY #20051118

don’t think about it. just do your work and ignore it so you don’t cry. but somehow i feel like it’s my fault…

and if you ask, then shame on you for making me cry.

posted by: conspiracytheorist at 05:02 | link | comments |

 

CONSPIRACY THEORY #20050117

SHOES! i found them. but i still can’t afford them. aaaargh. grrr! GRRR! AAAAAAAAAAARGH! qwrel;jasfd;ilut ghjdkf;bvl!!!!! jeezy peezy! i need shoes for rainy days! sadly i think my steve maddens will have to be thrown out when i leave this country. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

 

yes, i realize they’re ONLY material possessions. but unlike other people, i can’t find a lot of things that i like. so when i actually find something you KNOW that i’m going to take good care of it forever and ever and ever… and i’m going to name him george. no, but really, the fact that i’ve been SEARCHING for shoes for the past 3 days… and ok, so i can’t get long boots cuz my calves are FET and short so they won’t fit; and i’ve seen REALLY cool shoes, but they don’t have my size. dude, my feet are TINY compared to brits. i’m a 3.5 here and i wear 6.5 back home. THEY HAVE UP TO SIZE 9 AND THERE’S NOT A LOT LEFT!!!!! mammoth feet?

 

ok. some more belly button gazing. if you don’t care, then don’t read.

why have i regressed SO MUCH? i’m SO immature now. or is it that i just haven’t matured for a long time? i mean i’m serious when i have to be, but how often does that happen now? why do people see happiness as immaturity though? i crack a lot of jokes, it doesn’t mean that  i don’t take things seriously, but i like to see the funnier things in life. why does life make it so that mature = serious. immature = jocular? it just doesn’t make sense. maybe it’s cuz i just don’t give a shit what people think, but it’s getting to me lately. i still get excited over little things like food, the sun, new things y’know like the excitement of a new shirt or something. but isn’t it good to appreciate the little things in life? do i not look at the big picture enough? is that my problem? how big is the picture supposed to be? i chose not to look too far into the future because i fucked myself up when i did that. i’m such a sheltered kid though. my group of friends in elementary school/high school didn’t care to do the whole drunken, drug, peer pressure bullshit experimenting. it just didn’t matter. we were just happy chillin’ together. we had this HUGE fight once and i remember bawling my eyes out because i knew that things would never be the same. why does it have to part of ‘life’ to lose friends like that? i’m not trying to hold on to something that’s futile or a part of my past, or something that should just be allowed to disappear.

i’d like to think that i’m still more of a rational person than some. i don’t crack under pressure. if  something needs to get done, i’m not going to panic and shit bricks, i’m just going to do it. shitting bricks gets you nowhere except having to get lotsa toilet paper. i don’t take things out of proportion and freak out over things. if i’m going to get mad, then it’d damn well better be worth my time. as much as i may sound angry, i rarely let it boil over cuz then it gets UGLY! i don’t assume, i ask. if i’m angry about something i won’t take it out on the next person cuz you’re just ruining their day and they didn’t even do anything to you.

ok so i look like a little kid, but then people are surprised when i tell them my age. why does growing up mean that you have to be miserable though? is it so wrong to put people in a good mood by making them laugh? we all know that i can also be one of the world’s greatest cynics, so where does that place me? i know i’m headstrong and stubborn and it’s bitten me in the ass already. is it naïve of me to want a job that i actually WANT to do? i know that if i really don’t care then i REALLY don’t give a shit – it’ll get done, but it’ll be so half-assed. yes, i know, things have to get done, money needs to be made blah blah blah. but what’s the point in living if you can’t fulfill your life the way you like? i realize it’ll take a while to GET where i want to be, but what if i never get there? wherever that may be… maybe i am just an immature little shit.

 

agent orange

ps i started one of the fabled hammerhead workouts today. HOLY %^@#&%*^!!!!!

posted by: conspiracytheorist at 05:01 | link | comments |

 

CONSPIRACY THEORY #20050115

the unnerground is S-L-O-W! it took us an ½ to get somewhere 2 stops away. dude, that’s like going from kennedy to st george-ish. UGH! and as a result we had to take the train back cuz we missed out bus. aiya! cost £16.70 one freakin’ way!!!!! jeezy peezy, there goes grocery money! and as a result i’m not going to gay paree after all. mina had already booked her flight as scheduled, even though i asked her to book mine too and then i’d pay her back. so i go another time, no biggy.

 

the search for shoes? FUTILE!!!!! almost every single shoe store i wandered into had the same shoes. and for some reason the flat shoes had these terribly inflexible soles which meant that it’d get tiring to walk in them for long. hyuk hyuk hyuk, the brits are known not to like change… get it, inflexible souls????? shut up! i’m tired and as a result feel REALLY cold. i did find these REALLY naice dress pants though. and they’re from e-spirit (esprit) which i usually hate because their styles/use of material/quality is usually pretty shitty. and i usually can’t find my size. well they’re NAAAAAAAAAAICE!!!!! is all i have to say. and i found a sexy sleeveless top too. and it’s not black!!!!! happy everyone???

 

we went to the national gallery first. some parts were inevitably under construction. i think i need to go more often to the galleries and museums so i can restore my senses. seeing your textbook on the walls of a gallery still gives me the chills… despite the fact that there’s a lot ‘national’ treasures that don’t belong to the country. i’ve discovered that i don’t like the renaissance and stuff like i used to. or maybe i just needed less uhhh… no, let’s re-phrase that, i think i needed a lighter topic to look at. so many v & cs(virgin and childs) and doubting thomases. they had these VERY cool chairs in places though. mmm… salted peanuts… oh right. the national gallery. it was fun. hahahaha.

 

we went to HARRODS. yeah i know. but that’s where i bought my sleeveless, because they still had their famous january sale. just like ALL THE OTHER STORES IN THE UK!!!!! selfridge’s was cool too, but the music was WAY too loud. i don’t like the beegees THAT much thank you very much. hey arun, can you take a pic of me with the doorman at harrods wearing his hat? c’maaaaaaan, it’ll be FUN!

 

hey guess what guys? I ACTUALLY ATE GOOD FOOD AT A RESTAURANT!!!!! we went to this pizzeria/pasta place and the pizza was SO SO SO good. and it was fun watching the guys make it cuz they were SO fast! and we had cannelloni, but it didn’t taste like how i normally have it, but it was still good. the tiramisu was a disppointment, guess i can’t have a COMPLETELY delicious meal. there were live jazz players, definitely a fun place to go. metinks me wants to go back to that resto. we did SO SO SO much walking though. my legs are still sore.

 

shoes shoes shoes. where will i find you? will i have to be like dorothy and drop a house on someone and take their shoes? what if they have a foot fungus? i don’t want to wear ruby encrusted shoes anyway, i think i’d rather sell the rubies and live in a south-facing house with an indoor pool complete with a pool boy of course, (one that looks like lenny kravitz) art deco furniture, plush carpeting, gas stove, real oven, marble counter tops, kitchenaid appliances, real knives, a stainless steel fridge and have my kept man. then he can cook for me… right? c’maaaaan. i wanna eat these supposed heavenly brownies.

 

it took me three hours to edit someone’s paper. hahahaha, i was falling asleep as i was editing and so i kept losing my train of thought and stuff. it was pretty LAME! the fact that i was falling asleep, not the essay. i get food out of it though, so it’s all good.

 

i’ve decided i want a pet giraffe. hahahaha, i saw mariko’s pix from namibia. she’s got pix of lions, zebras, rhinos, seals and giraffys. i wanna giraffe! and a cat! i hope my giraffe doesn’t step on my cat. i’m going to name my cat selima and my giraffy ummm… hmmm… frank.

 

i’m beginning to think there’s a hole in my wall. my room is SO much colder than usual. why why why? what have i done?! i don’t think i’ll ever have to use my radiator though. thank goodness.

 

ok, i go back to prelim readings. oh and here’s some food for thought. i’m reading about 18^th C. english society, drinking/drunkenness was so prevalent and acceptable that there was a nurse that changed a baby and was supposed to put it in the cradle for the night. instead she put it in the fire. she thought it was a log and wasn’t punished for it.

 

 

agent orange

posted by: conspiracytheorist at 05:01 | link | comments |

 

CONSPIRACY THEORY #20050113

the shit is done. no more stupid term papers. until next semester. woohaa! now i have to go look for a job and internships. ugh! gross! y’know, i’d be able to do it now if i HAD FUCKING INTERNET!!!!! oooooooh sue balcombe the manager for our place and holland house has done us a FAVOUR by asking around. uh-huh. we’re not going to get it. just say it. i want my money back! fuckers!

 

tomollo i go to london to look for shoes. ones that comfy, leather, not running shoes or retro sneakers or anything. they have to be able to withstand the rain. maybe i’ll just buy a pair of… DOCS! hahahahaha. wheeeeeeeee, january sales here i come! i tink me and mina are going to the national gallery first since we gotses lotses of time.

 

wheeeeeeeee, the sun’s out today!!!!! i lav you sun, you’re good to me… most of the time. why did you have to hide while it was so windy though? oh, right, it’ll mess up your hair. you’re forgiven. but please don’t just leave me like that so often. i get sad without you sun.

 

now we are six. andreas moved in 2 nights ago. poor guy. he had to clean up the mess that IT left behind. the uni people were apparently supposed to clean it before someone moves in, poor guy. he’s quiet! not a slob! likes clean clean clean. wheeeeeeeeee! he’s kind of a mouth-breather, but that’s the least of my worries. he’s uhhh… from sweden metinks and taking european studies. knock on wood that he doesn’t regress or that i find any surprises one day.

 

i took pix of my room and stuff. i guess i have to have a pic gallery now. anyone know if it’s easy? haahaha, i’m retarded with computers. i have nothing to do this weekend. oh wait, prelim readings. boo-urns. never mind. fekk.

 

ok, i really have to do something about my posture. must sit up straighter. ugh! but it’s SO hard in these shitty, volume discount chairs.

 

i want to start eating the toblerone i ‘acquired’, but if i do, then i’ll be left with no more yummy chocolate for a long time. hmmm… i’ one of those people that likes to save food. i’m like a squirrel except that i know where to find what i have later.

 

agent orange

posted by: conspiracytheorist at 05:01 | link | comments |

 

CONSPIRACY THEORY #20050111

Just within is a telephone awkwardly situated, as is so often the case in French institutions, it’s both squeezed into a narrow corridor and in full public view. I want to call Ken, but i don’t want to call attention to myself. God forbid the clerks should think I can’t do research without calling my husband.

            I call. And there he is, the warm but slightly distant hello, the midwesterner’s greeting my Detroit campanion gives to the world. He asks, “What’s happening?”

            What’s happening? How can I tell him that one minute I’m looking at the baptismal record, and the next I wish I were in a nice warm bed far away? That I’m standing at the telephone, and I know I look like a professional woman, but I’m not, I’ve become a shadow of myself, the ghost of Eunice. Someone’s after me, like the witchy woman in my palazzo dream. It’s Trudy. She’s come up out of nowhere to warn me that if I stay longer, it’s all over. That I’d better leave now, better go to sleep, drop out of sight, get lost. She always does this to me. She waits for a moment when my guard is down, and she slips in.

            I can’t tell Ken this; he won’t get it; he’s too sensible.

            “Nothing much. How about you?”

            Still, I want him to tell me to come home, let it go, like my father used to when, in the middle of the night and unable to study anymore, I’d wake him up. He’d get up, soothe me and say, “Forget about it, maydelah, you’re too tired now, don’t worry, you’ll take the test another time.” But not Ken, he’ll tell me I’ve found something, that I should keep at it. Go to the church, see what’s there. Thanks a lot, Kenny. You can sit in your studio daydreaming for hours, but I can’t come home and hide? Can’t you understand that finding Victorine’s baptismal certificate is practically finding nothing? It brings no legacy, it discloses no new names or addresses. I wanted to find the simply facts of her life. Is that too much to ask? Patrick said it would be here, so where the hell is it? I know I’m being impatient. I know it’s only a few weeks since I’ve been looking for her. But if feels like forever.

            “Bye darling. See you later.”

 

Eunice Lipton, Alias Olympia: A Woman’s Search for Manet’s Notorious Model & Her Own Desire, 63-4.

posted by: conspiracytheorist at 04:02 | link | comments (1) |

 

CONSPIRACY THEORY #20050110

i feel SO groggy, SO incapacitated, SO sluggish. wind must stop for at least a night so i can sleep. such torture. if any of you saw me you’d be peeing your pants laughing. i look SO drained.

 

so now i hear that as soon as i left jamie went on this drinking and smoking binge. the smell of alcohol and cigarettes was redolent. they could smell it as soon as they got to the front door. he apparently was so drunk he was stumbling down the hall to get to the bathroom. and then they heard mina’s lock slowly turning shut. hahahaha heeheehee. do i seem like that much of a hard-ass that he feels he can’t do this shit while i’m here? well, ok i’d vehemently object to the smoking… but still. ah well.

 

need closure, need to finish things, need to get things done and over with. I NEED CONCLUSIONS TO MY STUPID PAPERS!!!!! i usually run out of words, energy, gumption by the time i get to the end of my papers and MY what an ordeal this has been. mungry. metinks.

 

agent orange

posted by: conspiracytheorist at 04:01 | link | comments (1) |

 

CONSPIRACY THEORY #20050108/09

no more tea = no more pee. DUH. stop drinking so much fucking tea you idiot! i had ummm… 6 cups of tea yesterday and this morning i’ve already had 3. and i’m about to make another one. fuck fuck fuck.

 

i want to live somewhere where i don’t occasionally feel nauseuous cuz maja papaya is smoking. i think i’m going to have to ask maja not to smoke in her room anymore. it IS a non-smoking flat after all and after coming back from non-stinking bliss, i just can’t take it anymore. it’s too gross. i want to live somewhere where i don’t have to wear headphones and i can sing to my music. i want to live somewhere with a gas stove (ok that’s a pipe dream here) and showers that drain properly. i want to live somewhere where we RECYCLE and that people know to flatten boxes and containers before tossing them. i want to live somewhere where i HAVE FUCKING INTERNET ACCESS THAT’S PROMISED TO ME AND THAT I’M NOT PAYING EXTRA FOR JACK SHIT!

 

and thus continues my ranting while writing. they will both be done by tonight, mark my words!!!!! today’s a rainy day so can i crack open my happy memories that i’ve saved especially for a day like today?

 

ironic. the music that’s keeping me going right now. kanye west, ‘college dropout’. hahahaha. heeheehee. and here i am writing a term paper for my masters.  it’s really truly a good album with good beats, but some his lyrics are so simple, but so real. things about life, religion, education and the reality of it all for black youth.

 

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PARIS!!!!! i’m going to paris, i’m going to paris, i’m going to paris. well… hopefully. mina has decided that she’s had enuf of the uk, so she’s decided to go to paris. ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhwwwwweeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

 

ok, i’m gonna keep truckin’ and finish my stupid essays!

 

agent orange

posted by: conspiracytheorist at 04:01 | link | comments (1) |

 

CONSPIRACY THEORY #20050107

i knew it! my SHITTY memory would come back and BITE ME IN THE ASS! AND IT HURTS LIKE HELL! i’ve been trying to write my stupid essays since i got back because i realistically knew that i wouldn’t touch them while i was home. too many things to do, people to see, things to eat… well now i’m suffering. i’m going through a series of ‘i wishes’ now. i wish that these essays were assigned much earlier. i wish that we could at least have a vague number of essay topics that we could tweak to our discretion. i wish that i’d actually worked on this over the holidays… well ok, i take back the last one. BUT I WISH THAT MY MEMORY WAS BETTER!!!!! so now as i’m writing this paper, i think, “i’d like to say that x said this, but i’m not too sure where i read it and i need to footnote it. ok, go through your copious notes… uhhh nope not here… not here either… but i’m SURE x said it!”yeah, i think i’m going to have to return to taking notes where i write everything down in sub-headings. fekk!

 

the wind is CRAZY today and right now it sounds like the whole building is shaking with the wind because windows and doors are rattling, people are shouting… and i can’t tell if it’s the drunken fools outside or if it’s people inside. jeezy peezy. i want to finish these damned papers by Thursday because i’m going to London on Friday with mina and these stinkin papers are due on the following Monday. i don’t want to hand them in on mundane (Monday) because i KNOW it’s going to be busy/packed/there will be a line-up… oops a fucking queue. what a stupid word. anyhow, yeah, somebody send me an epiphany please. i’m SICK of my stupid topics.

 

wish i had a more comfortable chair. stupid school. didn’t think of ergonomics. the desks are too high for the chairs which are the same shitty chairs that we have in the kitchen that are too big for the dumbass kitchen table that we eat off of. there’s 6 chairs in the kitchen and they all JUST fit at the table. so there’s no space between 2 chairs. not everyone can sit at the table at the same time unless they all like each other lotses. if you sit across from somebody at this table, then your knees touch. and we ALL know how short my legs really are, so you get the picture… heyyy wait a minute, i can take a pic of the stupid, volume-discounted furniture we have in the kitchen and in our rooms.

 

my rough draft is now peppered with comments to myself. brilliant. i’m such a retard. i hate my mind sometimes. jeezy peezy just write SOMETHING!!!!! now that i know how the system works, where they want you to start your term papers later than you should, i’m going to start them sooner so i’m juss chillin’ in the spring break. venice in february prolly won’t happen, venice in spring might be naicer instead. lalalalalalalaalalalalalalalalaaa~!

 

fuck i’m screwed!

 

agent orange

posted by: conspiracytheorist at 03:59 | link | comments |

CONSPIRACY THEORY #20050105

i think i’m doomed to be delayed at airports now. the plane wasn’t at the airport yet, so it was an extra half hour. and then a medical emergency. at least this time they were smart enough to keep us OFF the plane as opposed to boarding us and leaving us to fester for 2 hours in recycled air like when i was coming home for the holidays. we took off an hour after the scheduled time and we still landed at gatwick as per original schedule. go wind. oh, but then a dr/paramedic was paged on the plane… i tink there was a diabetic couple and they were having issues.

 

hi honey, i’m ho~ome! who the fuck am i kidding. i’m a pessimist at heart. no wait, a realistic pessimist hahahaha, am i glad to be back in the lil b? mmm… welllll… maybe a bit cuz i don’t have to hear constant nagging about things, or getting in shit for things that  have NOTHING to do with me… feels like i’m 15 again. now i must work on term papers. greeeeeat! the fun never ends. and of COURSE there’s NO internet connection. i knew it! see, i was being realistic.

 

it was awesome being home for the holidays, but at the same time, i didn’t get to see everyone because we all have our fam obligations and such, and everything is busier so that sux ass as well. but then you get to catch people when they’re off werk or school and you can stay up with wreckless abandon unless you have some other social obligations the next day.it’s WARM here compared to t.o. what a difference. but i’ve noticed that the big difference is that the sun is MUCH warmer in t.o. and so are the people.

 

i’m sorry i didn’t get to see everyone over the holidays.

 

weirdest moment was seeing a stupid car accident while i was on my way over to arun’s. volkswagen v. suv… hmmm… who do YOU think is going to win? apparently the people in the tiny car were also suspects in an armed robbery which resulted in one of their other accomplices getting shot and killed by the police because he was waving around a shotgun. right.

 

coolest moments were seeing everybody like at marche or when i saw a buncha werk people. it’s naice to see good friends again. there are a few people that i was SUPPOSED to get together with, but didn’t cuz they were going to call ME and let ME know when they were free. boo hiss to those culprits.

 

what have i learned thus far? if you haven’t had greasy food in AGES, don’t try to go out and eat that stuff two days in a row. it’s very difficult. i’ll have to admit that the brits make… well harvest good teas. red rose tea is SO crappy compared to what they drink here. canada definitely has better coffee and meat. i still can’t cook. i’m more forgetful than i thought. i forgot to bring popcorn with me. i want dill!!!!! my papers are still hard to write.

 

digital cameras are fun. thank you muches arun. i still like film cameras though, and i still have to finish my roll heheheheheheh. i’ve been working on this roll since i got here. i took pix of my room, but my room has been changed twice since then. i tried to finish it at marche, but couldn’t. now what?

 

my holiday was fabulous thanks to a lot of people, and now that i’m back i guess i gotta blog again.

 

agent orange

 

 

 

 

 

 

posted by: conspiracytheorist at 03:59 | link | comments |