Life needs change.

CONSPIRACY THEORY #20041109

note to self: never stand too close to the corner when a bus is turning cuz some idiot might hork and spit some booger at you after yelling a LURVELY epithet, which just might pertain to your colour. holyfuckingshit. were you born yesterday????? nice to know that brighton is SO ‘cosmopolitan’. so whoopdeefuckindoo (fk 2004) some little racist shit spit on me, well i AM angry and i am NOT crying ‘victim.’  i’d like to stomp on him, may a thousand boogers rain on you! yeah, ok so i’m lucky it didn’t land on my face or in my hair… ew… but i was wearing one of my naice comfy shirts, and it landed on my sleeve. maybe i’m just being overly sensitive because i’m somewhere foreign and my only point of comparison is home.

i guess i’ve been lucky enough that it hasn’t happened to me like that in a LONG while, not since i was a naïve little kid in grade 2 or 3. back then i didn’t even understand the meaning of racism. i just wanted to be white like all the rest of the kids in school. i wanted thin, blonde hair… maybe this is my karma for making fun of somebody when i was in grade 4 cuz her accent was so thick. ironically it’s the accent that i’m missin’ the most right now. isn’t that karma enough? can i forgive this little shit for being ‘young and stupid?’ wellllll… no because i didn’t get a sincere apology let alone ANY. why are you so narrow-minded? i’ve dealt with it in a sense that asian women are a fetish in western culture. “oooooooh look, she asian, she MUST be tight! hey asia queen!” i suppose i can say that at least they didn’t invade my personal space or spit on me.

i’m lucky that my grandmother’s scottish. well, ok she’s obviously not my biological grams, but she’s the first one that taught me indirectly that colour really doesn’t matter. she called me last week to see how things were going, i love her to bits, and she’ll never be anything else to me but my grandmother even though science/society may say otherwise.

why are people still so stupid like that? i don’t understand. people here DO have an imperialist/nationalist attitude here, i’ve even heard people admitting it. heck the £ is a mighty currency, but still…

do you really think it’s going to be any better or easier for you? accept the fact that larger urban centres will be multicultural and suck it up you little shit! or am i supposed to be the one to accept that racism is still evident?

my day was going well. it began well, y’know the whole idea of smile and the whole world smiles with you? yeah, it was like that. they’re doing construction around the corner from where i live and there was this dude sitting in a cement truck looking SO bored that i HAD to smile at that. class went well, the discussions were interesting, i had a good coffee, i’m now beginning to think of ideas for my other term paper. (phew!) i even treated myself to something TOTALLY whatless, but so pretty – a scarf. and then this… i guess i still am an asian ‘other’ no matter what…i know this is just one isolated incident, but if one of the first things that comes out of my mouth when people ask me how is inkland (cl 2004), and i say they’re racist… well… isn’t that indicative enough? i know that it exists everywhere, but which is better? implicit or explicit?

i know i’ve said this before, about it being an advantage of being in a place where nobody knows you or your past. i do feel like this is a ‘new beginning.’ but at the same time, i feel almost like i’m losing my sense of self because i’m NOT surrounded by the people that know me best. i know, you can’t have both a renewal yet cling to the past… this is just one of those times when i wish i had someone here that knows me.

 

agent orange

posted by: conspiracytheorist at 14:39 | link | comments |