Life needs change.

 

CONSPIRACY THEORY #20050117

SHOES! i found them. but i still can’t afford them. aaaargh. grrr! GRRR! AAAAAAAAAAARGH! qwrel;jasfd;ilut ghjdkf;bvl!!!!! jeezy peezy! i need shoes for rainy days! sadly i think my steve maddens will have to be thrown out when i leave this country. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

 

yes, i realize they’re ONLY material possessions. but unlike other people, i can’t find a lot of things that i like. so when i actually find something you KNOW that i’m going to take good care of it forever and ever and ever… and i’m going to name him george. no, but really, the fact that i’ve been SEARCHING for shoes for the past 3 days… and ok, so i can’t get long boots cuz my calves are FET and short so they won’t fit; and i’ve seen REALLY cool shoes, but they don’t have my size. dude, my feet are TINY compared to brits. i’m a 3.5 here and i wear 6.5 back home. THEY HAVE UP TO SIZE 9 AND THERE’S NOT A LOT LEFT!!!!! mammoth feet?

 

ok. some more belly button gazing. if you don’t care, then don’t read.

why have i regressed SO MUCH? i’m SO immature now. or is it that i just haven’t matured for a long time? i mean i’m serious when i have to be, but how often does that happen now? why do people see happiness as immaturity though? i crack a lot of jokes, it doesn’t mean that  i don’t take things seriously, but i like to see the funnier things in life. why does life make it so that mature = serious. immature = jocular? it just doesn’t make sense. maybe it’s cuz i just don’t give a shit what people think, but it’s getting to me lately. i still get excited over little things like food, the sun, new things y’know like the excitement of a new shirt or something. but isn’t it good to appreciate the little things in life? do i not look at the big picture enough? is that my problem? how big is the picture supposed to be? i chose not to look too far into the future because i fucked myself up when i did that. i’m such a sheltered kid though. my group of friends in elementary school/high school didn’t care to do the whole drunken, drug, peer pressure bullshit experimenting. it just didn’t matter. we were just happy chillin’ together. we had this HUGE fight once and i remember bawling my eyes out because i knew that things would never be the same. why does it have to part of ‘life’ to lose friends like that? i’m not trying to hold on to something that’s futile or a part of my past, or something that should just be allowed to disappear.

i’d like to think that i’m still more of a rational person than some. i don’t crack under pressure. if  something needs to get done, i’m not going to panic and shit bricks, i’m just going to do it. shitting bricks gets you nowhere except having to get lotsa toilet paper. i don’t take things out of proportion and freak out over things. if i’m going to get mad, then it’d damn well better be worth my time. as much as i may sound angry, i rarely let it boil over cuz then it gets UGLY! i don’t assume, i ask. if i’m angry about something i won’t take it out on the next person cuz you’re just ruining their day and they didn’t even do anything to you.

ok so i look like a little kid, but then people are surprised when i tell them my age. why does growing up mean that you have to be miserable though? is it so wrong to put people in a good mood by making them laugh? we all know that i can also be one of the world’s greatest cynics, so where does that place me? i know i’m headstrong and stubborn and it’s bitten me in the ass already. is it naïve of me to want a job that i actually WANT to do? i know that if i really don’t care then i REALLY don’t give a shit – it’ll get done, but it’ll be so half-assed. yes, i know, things have to get done, money needs to be made blah blah blah. but what’s the point in living if you can’t fulfill your life the way you like? i realize it’ll take a while to GET where i want to be, but what if i never get there? wherever that may be… maybe i am just an immature little shit.

 

agent orange

ps i started one of the fabled hammerhead workouts today. HOLY %^@#&%*^!!!!!

posted by: conspiracytheorist at 05:01 | link | comments |