Life needs change.

CHANGE #20060316

so it’s been a year since my cat died. my how my stress level has increased. anyhow, not like i’ll ever get another one in this house. since i supposedly did nothing to take care of him. whatever. i love how my family has made me passive aggressive over the years about so much shit. fuck. i’m sick of all this fuckery! and i’m having a crabby day since yesterday was apparently too good so someone out there had to even it out and make today shitty.

my mother’s on crack. she left the phone off the hook all day. and it’s still off the hook. and i’m not going to be the one to fix that because it’s not my problem. but my dad bitched at me for not calling home for a ride. not like i do that anymore since my mother didn’t seem to give a shit one night… so i take the bus. anyhow, even if i tried the line would be busy and i’m not about to try the fax line or any of the other celly #s in this fucked up house because i don’t have minutes to waste on my celly. i wonder how long it’ll take my mother to figure out that she’s done this. i hope my dad has to call home tomorrow for something important and can’t. fuck it’s not my fault. anyhow i need more minutes on my celly and telus has SHIT for rate plans. fuck fuck fuck.

the jackass at work is making it unbearable for me. i can’t stand to even converse with him anymore. and i know i’m just fighting a losing battle. but he’s going as far as to being an immature little shit. dude, you’re going to have to work with people you don’t like… but that doesn’t mean you can become unprofessional about it. he made another snide comment about the counter today and then said other shit when i called upstairs. fucker. why are you so immature? jeezy peezy, i guess the store manager’s lecture also meant that she didn’t believe that he’s ever patronizing and that his attitude is fine. whatever.

anyhow. i’m getting stressed out again because i was talking to omar yesterday and it’s so good that he has his shit together. and i remember being so ambitious and knowing what i wanted to do, where i’d be in a year etc. now? who the fuck knows. i know what i don’t want to do, but i don’t know what i want to do. i’m volunteering for this public arts project and we’ve had 2 meetings so far. and well, it seems that every meeting i want to be involved in the arts less and less. it’d be a shame not to work in my field of study, but at the same time, i’m getting so frustrated. i know, wait. fuck, but the longer i wait, the less i want to do this. i’ impatient, but at the same time there’s too much shit happening for me to be able to wait. i hate my fucking job now because of an asshole, but i have no other recourse. i was supposed to volunteer at the art expo, but the organizer never got back to me. jerk. whatev. is my life just going to be full of volunteering with nothing concrete? i don’t even want to work a 9-5. fekk! but i started to feel a little panicky again. i’m going to be 27 in a month and i have nothing to say for myself. what good is my master’s degree if i can’t get a job? what good was my master’s degree when in the end i didn’t give a shit? yeah, i know. i still don’t regret it… i’m glad i went because i’d be left wondering. at the same time, i wish i had more direction in life or came out of it with a better idea of what i want to do. lalalalala~ this is shit. sorry for my naval gazing.

posted by: conspiracytheorist at 05:42 | link | comments (1) |

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